A LARGE HEAD

Every day, I wake up and look at the mirror

I remember the rice turning into sand

in my mouth

as I try to swallow.

I see your eyes, puffy and glazed over

a large head on a bony frame

with love buried under

layers of broken plates.

 

Does the muscle remember

of how you held me with such sweetness

in that photo

when I don’t remember

two giant hands wrapping me up

and dipping my whole heart in comfort.

When did your embrace curdle

that every time your hand touched mine, I washed it.

That I didn’t share my cup, afraid you might drink from it.

That I wrapped my feet under the table

so they didn’t have to touch yours.

 

Mom over at the aunties’

smell of freshly brewed black tea

mixing with kısır and poğaça.

I devour the company

the high-pitched chatter, the joy

as everyone polishes their silver.

My mom praises Yusuf.

A beauty marked in Quranic verses.

Thrown in a well by his brothers

who didn’t have

his black, bushy eyebrows, and eyes

the color of a dark forest

His smile that steals the heart of virgins

His thick, slick hair

smooth like a wild animal.

Every bit of his body

and his heart deserving of praise.

Takes after his mama, she says.

A bird of paradise, singing divine melodies

and showing off her plumage.

What about him? A finger points at me.

The plumage loses its sheen

and the song stops.

 

My chest filled with desire

to belong to my mother

to be her prophet

to be sung after.

So I did the next best thing

I enlisted in her war

and became her soldier.

I remember the flowers

on the plastic tablecloth

after breakfast under the blazing sun

on the dusty balcony.

Sat across from mom

letting her fill my cup

with the wine of a love

unrequited, left to turn into

pungent vinegar.
I gulped it like cool water

after days in the desert.

 

You called me one day

half the Earth between us

your voice carrying a terrifying warmth.

You talked about a dream.

Hugging me tightly, shedding tears together.

Just like in the photo.

Breaking bread and giving it first to me,

nourishing me with embrace.

Your heart, broken open over ones and zeros

the seeds spilling with blood-red.

I didn’t know what to do with

this warmth, the open heart

denied to me for a lifetime.

 

Now I know someone denied you

your embrace.

Someone enlisted you in a war

and made you into an expendable.

You fought for a different life

and all you had was a route.

We are on two lands

the paths springing from the same seed.

I wave my goodbyes to the sea separating us

take in the salty air one last time

and walk.

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LUOYANG RAILWAY STATION OCTOBER 2019: A MONTAGE IN 100 T SHIRTS

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